Feeling a bit queasy? Are weeks going by like days? Visions of groomsmen gifts and garter belts dancing in your head before bed each night? Don't worry-- you're not dying, just going through the commonly known ailment of wedding stress. I'm certainly no Marcus Welby, M.D., but I do feel your pain. Here are some of the most common ailments associated with tying the knot, and some potential remedies to help get you through. Keep in mind, none of these are covered by Blue Cross or your HMO insurance policies - and are definitely not endorsed by the American Medical Association!
Symptom: Having a bowel movement every two hours. Don't let digestive issues get in the way of tux fittings and groomsmen gifts shopping!
Remedy: Get a good plunger and keep it by your side in case the toilet overflows.
Symptom: Haven't had a glass of orange juice in weeks because your stomach is full of lactic acid.
Cure: Go to Price Club and buy ginger ale in bulk. It might not be as vitamin-enriched as OJ or as enjoyable as groomsmen gifts of liquor, but your tummy will settle down.
Symptom: Breaking out into a cold clammy sweat under your arm pits, behind the knees, on your back, neck, etc. Don't worry, you want have to squander all your groomsmen gifts money on Axe deodorant. There is relief in sight!
Remedy: Wear shorts in the day, and sleep with minimal clothing at night. It's also a good idea to invest in a super deluxe, high powered fan. Keep it on the high mode setting.
Symptom: Feel like your body temperature rises four degrees for short spurts though out the day and/or night, even when you're doing something easy like groomsmen gifts shopping.
Remedy: Get a cold compress and place it on your head or wrist to cool your entire body. Also take two Advil every six hours.
Symptom: Eyes are puffy and red with a "deer in headlights" look to them.
Remedy: Splash water on your face several times and close your eyes for 10 minutes. If your eyes are still bloodshot and you're still seeing double vision of the putters you bought for groomsmen gifts, just go to sleep and call it a day.
Symptom: Feeling anxious, tense and nervous, and having difficulty concentrating.
Remedy: Do a search on your computer for books on meditation, breathing exercises, Taoism and Zen. Listening to tapes of Gregorian monks chanting can help as well-such zen pastimes also make cool and unique groomsmen gifts for the fellas.
Symptom: Making a lot of mistakes at work and having details fall through the cracks.
Remedy: Take a couple of hours out of the day to devote only to work, forgetting all the stress of wedding planning and groomsmen gifts buying. The rest can be spent worrying about why you're in this mess in the first place.
Symptom: Stomach is bloated, giving you the appearance of a person living in a third world country.
Remedy: Buy over-the-counter stomach medicines such as Rolaids and Zantac, and give groomsmen gifts of shiny cufflinks to distract everyone's eyes from your bulging belly.
Symptom: The thought of writing one more check for the wedding is making you act like Jack Nicholson in "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest."
Remedy: Rent "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest" starring Jack Nicholson.
Symptom: Having trouble eating.
Remedy: You need to put something in your stomach, especially if you've been out all day with the future wife working on wedding stuff and groomsmen gifts. White toast, peanut butter, pasta with some butter, pastries, and mashed potatoes are safe. Stay away from nuts, meats and burritos.
Symptom: Having obsessive thoughts of contacting Betty Sue from 12th grade to fondle her breasts just one last time.
Remedy: Keep dreaming. Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you have to stop fantasizing.
Symptom: Becoming excessively curious about fugitives, witness protection programs, Heaven's Gate or the death penalty, and considering taking your boys along with you in exchange for groomsmen gifts.
Remedy: Read books on cults in America. Nothing is worth taking the space ship to Hale Bopp.
Symptom: Thinking about renting a Harley motorcycle, getting nose pierced and heading North.
Remedy: Rent "Easy Rider," and fill up the gas tank.
Symptom: Constantly listening to the Dark Side of Moon by Pink Floyd, Nebraska by Bruce Spingsteen and Kind of Blue by Miles Davis.
Remedy: Keep listening.
DON'T WORRY, FELLAS. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED. IT'S NATURAL TO FEEL THIS WAY.
© 1997 Marrying Man Group