20 Shots to Celebrate Your Last Days as a Single Guy

When grooms finally bid ado to their inner bachelors, it can be a sobering experience. Here are 20 shots recipes to make your upcoming nuptials go down smoother. Give a viking funeral to the single guy inside by taking one shot everyday, starting 20 days before your wedding. But don't drink alone unless you want to spend your first days as a married man in rehab. Give your guys shot glasses as groomsmen gifts so they can join in on the bachelor festivities. Most of these recipes require a cocktail shaker. Round up your groomsmen for this twenty-day tour and party like there's no tomorrow (because really, for your inner single guy...there isn't). Day 1: Apocalypse Now - 1/3 oz tequila, 1/3 oz. Dry Vermouth, 1/3 Irish Cream Liqueur. Pour the dry vermouth and tequila into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well. Strain into a shot glass. Float the Irish cream liqueur on top. Day 2: Touchdown - 1 oz Absolut Mandrin Vodka; 6 oz Red Bull Energy Drink; Fill a shot glass with Absolut Mandrin. Then, fill a highball glass a little less then 1/2 way with Red Bull. Drop the shot class of Absolut Mandarin into the glass of Red Bull and slam it. Extra points if you use an NFL shot class. When you're done taking this shot, throw your hands into the air and yell "touchdown." Day 3: Purple Hooter- 1/2 oz. Vodka; 1/2 oz. black raspberry liqueur; Splash lime juice. Pour ingredients into a stainless steel shaker over ice. Shake until ice cold. Strain into a large shot glass, and serve. Day 4: Slippery Nipple -1/2 oz Sambuca;1 oz Irish cream liqueur. Pour Irish cream liqueur into a shot glass; top with the Sambuca. Day 5: Three Wise Men Visit Mexico - 1/2 oz Johnnie Walker Scotch, 1/2 oz Jim Beam bourbon, 1/2 oz Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey, 1/2 oz Jose Cuervo Gold tequila. Pour into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well; strain into a shot glass. Day 6: Three Wise Men Go Hunting- 1/2 oz Johnnie Walker Scotch, 1/2 oz Jim Beam bourbon, 1/2 oz Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey, 1/2 oz Wild Turkey Bourbon. Pour into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well; strain into shot glass. If you're actually on a hunting trip, pour this shot into camo flasks and give to your groomsmen as groomsmen gifts. Day 7: Redheaded Slut- 1 oz Jagermeister, 1 oz Peach Schnapps, 2 oz Cranberry Juice. Pour into cocktail shaker filled with ice, shake well. Strain into shot glass. Day 8: Five Best Friends- 1/5 oz Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey; 1/5 oz Jagermeister;1/5 oz Scotch whiskey;1/5 oz bourbon whiskey; 1/5 oz Jose Cuervo; Especial Gold Tequila. Combine ingredients in a shot glass, and serve. Day 9: Mexican Samurai- 2 parts TY KU liqueur; 1 part tequila; Fresh sweet and sour mix. Pour the tequila and Ty Ku into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Add a dash of fresh sweet and sour mix. Shake well. Pour into shot glass. Day 10: Jager Bomb- 1 1/2 oz Jagermeister; 1/2 can Red Bull. Fill a shot glass with Jagermeister. Drop the shot glass into an highball glass, or other tall glass, filled with a half of a can of Red Bull. Day 11: Snake Bite - 2 oz Yukon Jack; 1/2 oz Rose's lime juice. Pour the ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well and pour into shot glass. Day 12: Santa Shot - 3/4 oz grenadine, 3/4 oz green crme de menthe, 3/4 oz peppermint schnapps. Pour the grenadine in a shot glass. Float green crme de menthe on top. Float peppermint schnapps on top. Day 13: Russian Quaalude- 1 oz Vodka, 1 oz Hazelnut Liqueur, 1 oz Irish Cream Liqueur. Pour hazelnut liqueur into a shot glass. Float the Irish cream liqueur on top of the first layer. Float the vodka on top of the second layer. Day 14: Urine Sample - 1/2 oz. Galliano Herbal liqueur; 1/2 oz Sambuca. Pour together in a shot glass. At your next Doctor's visit, if the nurse asks for a urine sample, hand her this shot. Day 15: Mind Eraser - 1 oz vodka;1 oz coffee liqueur; soda water; lime wedge for garnish. Fill glass with ice. Pour Vodka and coffee liqueur over ice. Fill with soda water, garnish with lime wedge. Serve with a straw. Drink all of the shot as fast as you can through the straw. When drunk properly, this shot has a similar effect as an ice-cream headache. Don't take this shot around your new wife, you could forget her name. Day 16: Wedding Cake Shot - 1/2 oz Stoli Vanil; 1/2 oz Frangelico hazelnut liqueur;1 lemon wedge;1 tbsp granulated sugar. Mix the Stoli Vanil and the Frangelico together in a shot glass. Before taking the shot, dredge the lemon slice in the granulated sugar. Drink the shot, and directly after swallowing bite the lemon. Day 17: Zipper - 1/2 oz Tequila, 1/2 oz Grand Mariner,1/2 oz Irish cream liqueur. Pour the Grand Mariner into a shot glass. Float the tequila on top of the Grand Mariner. Top with the Irish cream liqueur. Day 18: 18 Til You Die - 1/3 oz vodka; 1/3 oz Passoa liqueur;1/3 oz silver Tequila;1 dash orange juice;1 dash lime juice. Shake ingredients on ice until cold. Strain into a shot glass and serve. Shake ingredients on ice until cold. Strain into a shot glass, and serve. Day 19: Alien Nipple - 1/2 oz Butterscotch Schnappes; 1/4 oz Irish Creme; 1/4 Melon Liqueur. Add Butterscotch first, layer Irish cream on top, and pour in melon liqueur. Day 20: Absolut Suicide 1 oz Absolut Mandrin vodka; 1 oz Absolut Pears vodka;1 oz Absolut Citron vodka;1 oz Absolut Ruby Red vodka;1 oz Absolut peach vodka;1 oz Absolut Vodka 80; Splash 7-Up soda. Pour ingredients into shaker with ice, shake well, pour into glass, shoot. Shot recipes found at Drinks Mixer and About.com:Cocktails.

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15 Ways Marriage Will Change Your Life

You hear about marriage all the time. You go to the comedy club and listen to some hack drone on and on about how much he hates his wife. You turn on the TV and it's yet another sitcom about a poor married shlub. How does marriage really change things? If she nagged you endlessly to get those groomsmen gifts or pay the wedding photographer, are you in for a lifetime of hell? Read on for 15 real ways marriage changes your life. After Groomsmen Gifts: 15 Ways Marriage Will Change Your Life 1. You will be crowned the official spider killer of the house. Wear your shoes on your hands and always be ready for creepy crawlers. 2. You will love your wife more than you ever thought possible. 3. All the bacon you bring home gets pooled into a joint checking account. This means you can no longer buy a PlayStation instead of fixing the dryer. 4. You'll inadvertently see at least one hour of Oprah a week. You will be asked to discuss Dr. Oz and Suze Orman. If you don't know who they are, don't worry, you will soon. 5. Instead of spending your Saturday watching the game or geeking out with the X-box, you'll spend 8 hours navigating a shopping labyrinth known as IKEA. You might not even walk out with a single piece of furniture. If you do, you'll be up until 2:00 a.m. putting it together while she rests peacefully. 6. Your comic books, guitars, and sports memorabilia will be designated to one area of the house. It might be your office. It might be your man cave. Here, it's ok to cry. It's also the one place you can hang out with the groomsmen. 7. You will entertain other couples. Dinner parties and dominoes will replace those wild Fridays of your bachelor days. You will discuss things like mortgages, careers, and kids at length. 8. You'll never see a movie or go to dinner alone again. You'll have a date for every event! 9. You'll quickly learn that "in sickness and health" really means "in sickness and health." When she's got the gripe, you'll love her, phlegm and all. 10. You'll catch your wife in at least one heinous act: Dancing to Abba in a bathrobe with a beauty mask on. Under no circumstances laugh at or imitate this dance. 11.You'll no longer get out of the house in holey trousers or worn out shoes. You'll start wearing cardigans even if you despised them before. 12. Despite popular belief, you'll most likely not be forced to turn your back on your best buds. However, poker night might be shortened to three hours instead of six. GroomStand hint: Get your guys poker sets as groomsmen gifts and go to their houses instead. 13. You'll be required to have healthy food in the house. If your wife is a chronic dieter, you'll start to learn all kinds of nutritional information. You'll become concerned with things like fiber and vitamin D even though you could have cared less before. Cranberry juice will replace the beer. 14. Once they see the wedding ring, people (even strangers) will ask you when you plan to have kids. 15. You'll have in-laws. The size of your holiday gatherings and barbecues will double or even triple. You'll have to schedule holidays and vacations to the hour so that each family gets equal time with the couple. Whew! After all that, still ready to get those groomsmen gifts? Shop GroomStand.com for groomsmen gifts and everything else you'll need on the Big Day.

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100 Worst Groomsmen Gift Ideas

Ever receive a bad gift? Maybe it was that hand-knitted bird sweater from your Grandma that led to a swift beat-down on the playground. Maybe it was that re-gifted pot holder that says "Sarah" on the gift tag (your name is Jim). Bad gift givers like to say something is better than nothing. We disagree. We polled groomsmen from all walks of life to find the 100 worst groomsmen gifts. 100 Worst Groomsmen Gifts Male thongs A wheel of cheese That 20 bucks he already owes you A-B-C gum A reed diffuser (What, you're telling me my house smells?) A bandanna with a banana pattern on it An old bicycle with one pedal The phone number of a romance novel author A dancing sunflower alarm clock A bikini wax job (um...) A "man"icure (There's nothing manly about it) Neon pink tank top with the word "groomsman" on it in rhinestones. A Maltese named Princess that you'll be forced to parade around with for the next 15 years A man purse (a.k.a. murse) Leather chaps A case of tangerine wine coolers. A self-help book that tells you how to lose weight A dusty VHS player Gift Certificate to McDonalds for a free ice-cream cone and Mc Nuggets. (Mc "No Thank You"). Tickets to see the Nut Cracker. (The words "Nuts" and "Cracker," don't belong together. And it's only the scariest. ballet. ever) A Celine Dion album Chia Pets Garden gnomes A Jane Fonda workout video Pocket protectors Wine glasses (What happened to beer?) A "Pretty Woman" DVD (The uncut version) Donation made in your name to the local transgender society, complete with your phone number and address on the mailing list. (The future solicitations will never stop and you'll never date again) Dollar Store grab bag (Price tag attached) Ash trays that the groom made at the local pottery painting place. And you don't smoke. But he painted your name on real nice... 6 pack of Bic lighters and a cigar from the irregular bin Beaded bracelet that the bride made in her beginning jewelry class at the community college The extra favor boxes leftover at the end of the reception Sunglasses circa 1993. Neon is not back in and it's not old enough to be retro. Anything that looks like it came from Goodwill. The stench will give it away Stack of Archie and Jughead comics from the line at the grocery store. ('Cause you like to read and all) Pack of Virginia Slims Happy Meal toys. (Even if it is GI Joe, this groomsman gift sucks) Dollar-store-bin undies with his name sewn into them A feral cat Belly button lint A handful of couch Cheetos Arena Football tickets Year supply of car washes (You take the bus) License plate covers that read "Groovy Groomsman Aboard" Sod A soiled wig A monkey paw from that creepy store that sells Voodoo stuff Fortune cookies... sans fortune A restraining order A brochure from Alcoholics Anonymous An army of porcelain dolls so they can stare at you with murderous intent A Christmas ornament. (You're Jewish) Pumpkin-pie-scented lotion A fraying LA Gear Jean jacket, sweat stains and all A mail-order bride to nag you so you're just as miserable as the groom Tickets to a "Tijuana show" along with cash for the surgery you'll need after you gouge your eyes out Scratch off lotto tickets and a case of Bud Light The thigh master (It's just going to spring back and accidentally hit you in the chin. You might as well punch yourself in the face) A XXL tee-shirt, plastered with the groom's wedding pictures. (You're a medium. And you wouldn't walk around wearing a sandwich board of the bride and groom. So don't wear their "we're in love," tee shirt) Cheap cologne that makes you stink like you just took a dip in the Amazon River Carnival goldfish (Am I supposed to feed these things?) Anything Hello Kitty (A great groomsmen gift, if only I was a 12-year-old girl) A possessed Teddy Ruxbin A cassette tape player and old tape of Motley Crew A moose clock that bellows every hour on the hour Sea-monkeys A gift certificate to a tattoo parlor with the hope that the whole wedding party gets matching tattoos. (You're not in the boy band 98 Degrees. Yes, Nick LaShay we remember) A poem or painting the groom created himself. (Sorry buddy, your creative endeavors don't count as groomsmen gifts) Magazine subscriptions (magazines are dead) Remaindered paperback books A used clown lamp with light up eyes (shudder) Bootleg copies of Elvis movies (ones that feature beefy, older Elvis) An airport vomit bag ...filled (No, this isn't a nice keepsake of the Vegas bachelor party) Toe socks Beano Adult diapers. (Unless you know someone who is going on a very long trip. Only then are diapers thoughtful groomsmen gifts) Personalized toilet paper with the bride's face on it (Actually if you hate the bride this makes a great groomsmen gift) Personalized toilet paper with the groom's face on it (Like you really want that ugly mug staring up at you) The What's Your Poo Telling You? book A one-way ticket to Siberia A one-way ticket to Kansas Pink speedos A paperweight shaped like a dumbbell (How clever) A toilet seat with your picture on it Tickets to see "Cats" A ceramic angel A ceramic anything A re-gifted George Foreman grill (Just scrape off the grease) A Jesus nightlight A hand-crafted coupon book with lame coupons for things like a night out with the guys A house plant (It will surely die, leaving you to clean up its remains) A coupon for 15% off your dry cleaning (You wear jeans and tee-shirts) An engraved flask personalized with your uber humiliating childhood nickname (Now everyone knows you were once nicknamed Georgy Porgy) A headstone Man jewelry of any sort (With the exception of cufflinks and gold chains) His old head gear Jumper cables (What are you, my dad?) A car air-freshener that smells like an old fart Nothing

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10 Signs You're a GroomZilla

We are all too familiar with bridezilla, the stomping, tantrum-throwing train wreck that possessed your fiancee. But is there such a thing as groomzilla? And could you be a groomzilla? Definition of Groomzilla: A groomzilla is a new, beastlier breed of grooms. A groomzilla doesn't passively watch while his fiancee plans the wedding. A groomzilla stops at nothing to get his moment in the spotlight. He has a taste for the finer things in life. Men's Warehouse means nothing to this groom. From diamond-encrusted groomsmen gifts to fur coats and canes, he's all about luxury. Pictured here, bonafide groomzilla and Italian boxer, Clemente Russo. 10 Signs You're a GroomZilla 1. You made your best man practice his speech for 10 hours. 2. You "forgot" to give your groomsmen groomsmen gifts and "forgot" to care. 3. You annexed your fiancee's wedding binder. It is now property of "groomzilla." 4. You went all the way to Milan to get your tux. And it's made entirely of mink. 5. You somehow managed to get Rush to play at your reception. 6. You outsourced better-looking groomsmen. Your best friend with the paunch and overbite just won't do. 7. You've never referred to your groomsmen as your wedding party. They're your posse, your entourage, your gang. Never your groomsmen. 8. You're going to be dressed complete with cane. 9. You switched places with the bride. You'll be the one walking - actually strutting - down the aisle. 10.Your tuxedo has your name in diamond studs on the back. PS. Even groomzilla has to get his guys something for standing up on the big day! Shop GroomStand for quality groomsmen gifts and more.

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10 Hilariously Bad Wedding Photos

Welcome to GroomStand's bad wedding photos hall of fame. Don't let these bad wedding photos happen to you. Hire an experienced wedding photographer and never let them catch you in the bathroom, kissing a dog, or doing a kegstand. Comment below with funny captions! Obscene PDA Um... mom, dad, I'm getting married here. Can you please stop making out and pay attention to me? You may now kiss the pit bull. Don't you hate it when others get it on in your wedding shots? Signs you're too young to get married Quick, someone call Redneck Weddings. How do you get beer out of a wedding gown? Is this an actual gang sign? Throwing up the peace sign, however angry you do it, does not make you Tupac. We wonder how she covered up her prison ink. Just Plain Creepy Lord of the rings. The Time Traveler's Bride. Is the groom aware he's about to marry a corpse? Footloose Getting carried away. Don't you hate it when someone else steals your attention on your wedding? Usually, that someone is a pregnant bridesmaid or cute flower girl. This time, it's a pair of shoes. Love makes you want to kick up your heels. But it shouldn't make you forget you're a man. Hilariously bad wedding photos found at Awkward Wedding Photos Facebook group and Temple of Groom.

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10 Groomsmen Gifts You Should Never, Ever Buy

Groomsmen gifts are often the lowest priority, and that's OK. Your groomsmen appreciate the thought, and probably won't keep the gifts for very long. Just avoid buying gifts that will sear themselves into the memory of every groomsman as the Worst Gift They Ever Got. Read this list for the 10 worst the author's ever seen. 10 Worst Groomsmen Gifts: In the interest of saving you snide remarks during the wedding toast, the stink eye from your groomsmen's wives/girlfriends/significant others and at least 20 years' jokes at reunions, here's my list of the worst. I've spent 10 years helping wedding-related sites sell groomsmen gifts. I've seen some serious doozies. Whatever you do, do not give these items as groomsmen gifts: 10. Anything pink or pastel. I shouldn't have to explain, but apparently I do. There are websites out there pushing pink stuff as groomsmen gifts. I saw at least one keychain groomsmen gift that might have LOOKED white in the picture, but was an undeniable shade of pink. Hopefully you know better, but just in case, DON'T BUY PINK STUFF. 9. Soap. Groomsmen don't want soap. I don't want soap. Soap is something I buy at the grocery store. 8. Candles. Wow. Candles? Seriously? I'd rather get soap. 7. Money. A friend told me about a wedding where the groom handed out $20 bills. That's kinda neat, but it makes everyone uncomfortable. We're not going to your wedding to get paid. 6. Pictures. I'm torn on this one. A picture of the happy couple could be a nice gift. But somehow, it feels a little like going to England and being handed a picture of the Queen when you step off the plane: Crass. I'll pay my respects. 5. Stamps. I. Have. No. Idea. But someone really did give out collectors' stamps at their wedding. It you're a philatelist you may know the value of your gift. Your groomsmen will probably use their gifts to mail a check to their electric company. 4. Anything that melts. Nuff said. 3. Anything political. Yes, you really, really believe the Spotted Owl deserves saving. And cute fuzzy little owl chicks thank you, even if the lumberjacks don't. But making a donation in someone else's name to a highly political organization makes for crappy groomsmen gifts. 2. Gift cards. If cash is bad, gift cards are worse. Nothing says "Damn, I forgot about you guys until 2 hours before the wedding!" like a gift card. 1. Porn, or anything that might pass for it. Our winner! No matter how funny it seems at the time, a video of bachelor party hijinx between some guy named Biff Tiggler and 10 overly-endowed strippers who are inexplicably drawn to our hero is the worst groomsmen gift possible. It pisses off the girlfriend/wife, embarrasses most guys, and generally taints the entire memory of your wedding with an air of Texas whorehouse. Avoid this kind of gift-giving humiliation: - Order IN ADVANCE. Don't procrastinate. Buying groomsmen gift is easy - there are lots of good online stores that'll let you order all manner of tchotchke, often with engraving. - Learn to read. "3-4 days shipping" doesn't mean you'll have the gift in 3-4 days. It means you'll have it 3-4 days AFTER the gift is engraved/packed etc.. Most sites make this crystal clear, if you're not totally wasted and/or uncaring to take a look. - Get a second opinion. If you want to surprise your groomsmen, that's fine. Show the gift to your wife-to-be, or your groomsmen's significant others. If they wrinkle their noses and look at you like you're a turd in the middle of the sidewalk, move along and try something else. What if you buy groomsmen gifts that looked OK online are horrifying in person? A few suggestions: - Have a backup plan. If you're ordering the groomsmen gifts online, have some ideas for what you'll do if they're awful (or if they don't arrive). Even with the best vendor, things happen. - Contact the site from which you purchased the gifts. Ask them if the cigar humidor is really supposed to smell like a rat crawled in and died in it. Chances are, they'll work with you to fix the problem. - Beg forgiveness. If all else fails, it's the night before the wedding and there's just no way to fix the problem, give your groomsmen a gifts IOU. Remember: A week after your wedding, your groomsmen will probably take the gifts you carefully select and chuck 'em to the bottom of the underwear drawer. That's just the way it is. Groomsmen gifts aren't about long-lasting keepsakes that folks put on their mantle (assuming they HAVE a mantle). You're trying to create a memory of your wedding day for everyone involved, especially the people who are in your wedding party. The gifts you buy them can be a huge part of it. Or, they can hover over your wedding like a particularly nasty, toxic fart. The choice is yours. So do yourself a favor: Print this list. When you're drunk, sitting in front of the computer 2 weeks before the wedding shopping for groomsmen gifts online, look at this list. Remember it. You can thank me later. Ian Lurie is a writer and internet marketer who's helped https://branddepot.com/collections/groomstand sell groomsmen gifts since 2002. When not ranting and raving, he prowls the internet looking for silly wedding stories. Don't fall into his clutches, whatever you do.

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10 Famous Flask Moments

Flask it to me, baby! Besides being a favorite groomsmen gift and best man gift (complete with engraved name or initials) the flask has a long and storied history. Chronicled in historical documents (otherwise known as TV shows and movies), flasks play a bigger part in our lives than you would think. So the question is, if you don't have one, how can you get one? And if you're looking for some flask inspired motivation, let me help you with my list of famous flask drinkers....must be 21 or over. Enjoy responsibly. Homer Simpson- The Simpsons. Keeps his flask in a cut out Bible. "No wonder they call it the good book. Slurp."Independence Day - The weasel-y bad guy, Arnold Nimzicki, after he's fired, gets to share off a regular old persons flask as they wait to see if the human race will be extinguished or not. James Bond- Her Majesty's Secret Service: After Bond has tendered his resignation (or so he thinks), he returns to his desk and cleans out items from some of his previous adventures. He pulls out a silver flask of liquor and prepares to take a drink, but realizes he's staring at a portrait of Queen Elizabeth. We see Bond reflected in the portrait's glass as he raises the flask, says "Sorry, ma'am," and takes a drink.Mona Lisa Smile- this one's for the ladies- Maggie Gyllenhaal's character Giselle Levy carries around a flask and uses it regularly. Bad Santa- Billy Bob's character Willie takes one last belt from a pocket flask, before going into the mall, which he then chucks the flask against a Mercedes' windshield while Dean Martin's "Let it Snow" plays during a heat wave. X-Files Movie- Fox Mulder hands Walter Skinner his empty beer bottle and pulls a small flask from his back pocket. He takes several large swallows, screwing up his face a little. "But I work for free." Pulp Fiction- There was more than a wallet in this movie. John Travolta's character Vincent Vega shows off his multi-tasking skills while drinking from a flask, driving and shooting heroin at the same time.Brian Griffin- Family Guy. Brian drinks out a flask to stay warm, but alas Stewie informs him that alcohol doesn't actually warm the body, it constricts the blood. Across the Universe- When Jude first meets Max and saves him from getting beat up, he offers him some 'Princeton hospitality' and tosses him a flask. Band of Brothers- Nixon refills his flask from his bottle in Winter's footlocker, "I don't know why I'm still doing this," Nixon says cheerfully. Winter, back at his desk, looks up. "Drinking?" he asks. "No, hiding it in your foot locker," Nixon replies, filling his flask. "I'm a captain, for christ sake." Winters: "Why don't you just give it up?" Nixon: "Drinking?" Winters: "No, hiding it in my foot locker. You're a captain, for pete's sake."

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10 Commandments of Steak Brands (Hint: Don't Use These Groomsmen Gifts on Living Things)

Steak brands and grilling accessories make the best groomsmen gifts for carnivores. But when you hold a steak brand in your hand, certain temptations arise. Should you brand your cousin, your doorknob, your dog? Here are 10 things never to brand, no matter how hilarious. Print these commandments out and give them to your buddies with these grilling gifts for groomsmen. And never be the first one to fall asleep, just in case your boys get brand happy. Thou Shalt Not Brand I Your Boss's Forehead - If your boss falls asleep at the office, you might be tempted to use this custom steak brand on his forehead. What better way to get him back for making you work over the weekend? Using a steak brand on your boss it the quickest way to get fired. It's also the quickest way to become an office legend. II Your Neighbor's Cat - Your neighbor's cat hangs out in your yard and you're a dog person. Should you mark the beast with a steak branding iron and send it packing? Not unless you want to be arrested for animal cruelty! Use these branding irons on hamburgers and steaks only. And keep a garden hose nearby for the cat. III The Sun - If you can face the sun's fiery surface, go ahead and make your mark. But unless you're a superhero, we advise against it. The moon is fair game. IV Your Drunken Buddy - Every guy who owns a steak brand iron once looked at his passed-out buddy and thought to himself, "should I brand his arm, leg, or forehead?" Drunken buddies are the forbidden fruit of the steak brand commandments. Stick to markers if you can't resist the urge to decorate your sleeping friends. Nothing ends a party faster than a trip to the emergency room. V Your Sister's Obnoxious Boyfriend - He might be skeevy, but he does not deserve a steak brand to the head. At your next family barbecue, treat him to a loogie burger branded with your initials. He'll get the hint. VI Politicians - You might be tempted to use these republican and democrat steak brand irons on politicians that oppose your views (or even to brand yourself a loyal party member) but don't do it! Instead, brand a steak and serve it up on election night. Warning: expect a heated debate if you serve a republican steak to an Obama fan. VII Your Arm (or any other limb) - Don't use these grilling groomsmen gifts to brand your arm or any other limb. The only thing worse than a bad tattoo is a brand with your initials. Can you say narcissist? VIII Important Documents - It's tempting to use this single letter steak brand anytime you see "initial here," on a document. Go back to elementary school science and research what happens with paper and fire. Still tempting? Think about how you'll explain to your fiance that you lit the marriage license on fire. IX Your TV - Yes, it's yours, but you don't have to mark it with your initials. A simple sign that reads, "don't touch," will do. X Your Fiance - It's sexist and the fastest way to get dumped. Read this perfect husband guide book and get help if you even considered branding your girlfriend. If you can't trust your boys with these steak brands search for groomsmen gifts that don't involve fire. Remember guys, safety first.

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"The Swiss Army: Built Fjord Tough"

(The following is an interview translated from Swedish to English. The participants are Stockholm news reporter Jurgen Sledge and General Sven Svensvenson, leader of the Swiss Army. No groomsmen gifts were given in exchange for this interview) REPORTER: General Svensvenson, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with me today. GEN. SVEN: Would you like a piece of chocolate? REPORTER: No, thank you. GEN. SVEN: It's Hershey's. REPORTER: Thank you, no. General, why does the Swedish government continue military funding for a country that is neutral? GEN. SVEN: Kiss? REPORTER: Beg your pardon? GEN. SVEN: Hershey's kiss? REPORTER: No, thank you. Shouldn't tax dollars be used to repair the countries withering fjords that border Norway? GEN. SVEN: "Withering Fjords"? Never read it. (Silence. General Svensvenson takes a seven minute nap. He awakens) GEN. SVEN: Neutrality comes at a hefty price. Subsidizing a docile army is not cheap. REPORTER: What steps is the Swiss Army taking to remain meek and passive? GEN. SVEN: Each soldier spends three weeks of boot camp at a relaxing and revitalizing spa in the Alps. Seaweed wraps, mud baths, the whole magilla. After this, nine grueling weeks of yodel training. (yodels) Yodel-ay-hee-who! REPORTER: That's very good. GEN. SVEN: That's $14,000 dollars worth of yodel-training-good. And then, of course, there is the equipment. REPORTER: Guns? Tanks? F-16 fighter jets equipped with air-to-air missiles? GEN. SVEN: Swiss Army Golf Tool Kit with Golf Tool Pouch. Our soldiers are outfitted with and extensively trained on the kits bottle opener, nail file, blade, tweezers, toothpick, scissors, one-hand locking divot repair tool, ball marker, tee punch and groove cleaner. Each kit also comes with a 3-pack of Callaway Golf Balls for throwing at the enemy if they get too close, but since we're neutral, we just practice juggling. REPORTER: That kit sounds like it would work well for groomsmen gifts? GEN. SVEN: Yes. But I'm married to the Army, so don't buy me one. Now if you'll excuse me, I must use the bathroom. All of this chocolate is forcing me to make a Swiss movement. REPORTER: Thank you for your time, General Svensvenson. GEN. SVEN: Kiss? REPORTER: No, thank you. GEN. SVEN: May I have your phone number then?

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"Sliding Into Home - Mug First"

I have always been amazed at spaghetti western saloon-keepers who can slide a mug of beer down the length of a bar counter. How only a few drops of brew spill out of the glass as it passes rummy after rummy until reaching its final destination is truly remarkable. Mr. Tom Cocktail Cruise has got nothing on these guys. Yes, Mr. Tom Scientology Cruise can flip a bottle in the air, catch it and make a Seabreeze, but honestly that's amateur hour. I'd like to see Mr. Katie Holmes launch a mug of pilsner across a wood surface as it dodges in an out of bowls of salted nuts. To be fair to Mr. Tom Why The Hell Was I In Vanilla Sky? Cruise, I know this is not an easy trick to do. As an ex-bartender, I never had much luck with this maneuver. After several failed attempts, including one which sent a schooner flying off the bar and knocking a woman unconscious, I retired my mug shuffle board career and went back to placing beverages gently on a coaster. Then on my hunt for groomsmen gifts I stumbled across the Rawlings Home Plate Coasters. These leather coasters (6 in all) are shaped like a baseball diamond's home plate! They invite glassware to slide into them, and being a fan of America's Pastime, I am all too happy to oblige. They're perfect groomsmen gifts for guys who love sports! And if you're worried about spillage on leather, don't be. The more water marks (er, booze marks!) on the coaster, the more it will start looking like your favorite old glove. Also, each coaster can be personalized with three initials so these groomsmen gifts will make your buddies feel really special. Step to the plate, sports fan! WARNING: Practice sliding mugs into home plate filled with water first. No use wasting good beer.

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"No Baggage With This Baggage"

The bachelor party has been set. It's time for the groomsmen to take the groom out for one last hurrah, and that final hurrah can only mean one thing -- donkey show at El Diablo's in Tijuana, Meh-hee-ko! (Zagats gives it 4 out of 5 stars and so does this reviewer!) You haven't lived until you've heard a donkey bray with a Spanish accent. As you plan for this delightful little jaunt South of the border, a few questions will undoubtedly arise: Q: Will I die? A: No. Tia Juana's tourism industry is vital to the local economy. They want you and your boys to leave the country happy (without any unexpected "groomsmen gifts") so that you will return again and enjoy the city's other unique live theatre offerings. For example, this fall Casa de Chi-Chi will be staging The Man of La Mancha staring Donkey Blow-Me. I smell Tony! No, not Tony Award. Antonio Tony' Munez, the enigmatic artistic director of the theatre. He never bathes. Q: Do I need my shots? A: No. The cover charge at El Diablo includes inoculation. Diptep, Tetanus, Hepatitis B -- they got em all, AND they'll even salt the tip of the syringe for you. Q: Should I pack lightly? A: That's your call. You know your glands better than I do. I do, however, know you will need to pack your gear in a Logan Deluxe Duffle Bag. It's lightweight and crafted with durable water-resistant fabric so if you spill tequila on it, no problemo -- easy clean-up! It's also got brass hardware, heavy-duty zippers, leather detailing and a padded shoulder strap perfect for slinging over your torso as you dart in an out of street vendors selling Chiclets. And the best part, you can get the bag personally monogrammed for zero pesos! What great groomsmen gifts! So, hasta luego, groomigos! Have a great trip and don't forget to bring back a little something for the brideand make sure that little something is not syphilis.

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"Nice Shaft, Buddy"

Phil Mickelson plays golf. I play golf. But the only thing I have in common with Lefty is man-boobs. Don't know how Phil is able to consistently sink difficult putts with two flesh pendulums swinging to and fro under the influence of gravity, but he does, defying laws of physics and draining one ball after another. Since I can't buy God given Phil Mickelson golfing ability, I can open my wallet and purchase a new putter that will help my game. That, and a sports bra. Not wanting to spend a fortune on a new club because it would just end up wrapped around a tree or drowned in a water hazard, I did some research and found a great putter at a great price at Groomstand.com. Yes, this club works great for giving as groomsmen gifts, but you don't need a pending wedding to walk around with a great putter in your bag. Its handcrafted hickory shaft will transport you back in time to the glory day of St. Andrews when drunken, one-toothed duffers named Angus walked the course. The balanced zinc alloy head comes in either black or brass and each club shaft can be engraved with a personal message so you can get it marked as yours or show your guys you remember their names when you give these as groomsmen gifts. Mine says, Man-Boob Mulligan. Also, don't feel you have to limit your putter play to the big course. Feel free to break out Ol' Hickory for a rousing round of miniature golf. Show those snot nosed pre-teens waiting behind you who's the boss as you, with laser-like accuracy, nail that clown in the mouth for a hole-in-one. I sure did. No one screws with Man-Boob Mulligan!

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